Jim Murray

5 years ago · 3 min. reading time · 0 ·

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The State Of The Union Message You Will Never Hear

The State Of The Union Message You Will Never Hear

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My fellow Americans, and anyone else listening from hostile nations around the world, I have come before you to announce the state of the union of the United States Of America.

I’ve got some bad news and some good news…so first the bad news. Let’s get that out of the way. And remember these are on the highlights…the rest is all little stuff that nobody cares about.

It has been two years since I became President of the United States, and I have to tell you it’s been tough. Who knew that running a country would be so hard?

I have managed to get pitifully little done in the way of real constructive change for everyday Americans, despite the fact that I had complete control of the government through both the congress and the senate.

I have not been able to completely undo all the policies put in place by my predecessor who really screwed things up bigly.

I have not been able to begin infrastructure rebuilding, because despite the fact that I built many buildings in my former life, I don’t really have a clue how to go about this.

I have not been able to make a dent in the opioid crisis, mainly because the big pharma lobby money keeps rolling in and you know how that works.

I have not been able to pass comprehensive gun legislation because the NRA has convinced me that a decrease in gun violence would result in a sharp downturn in new memberships for them, and they are good people.

I have not been able to get my amazing border wall built, nor am I able to personally realize the commission that I would take under the table by awarding the manufacturing and building of the wall to a Russian company. That’s how they do business over there.

I have deliberately under reported the number of children of asylum seekers that have been separated from their parents, because it’s a really complicated thing, and who knew all this stuff would be so complex?

I have deliberately pulled the country out of many of the international alliances that our country had so that the Russian government would have more freedom to operate in Eastern Europe and my good friend Vladimir Putin can realize his life long dream of reconstituting the Russian empire and all that comes with it. This is the least I can do in the name of friendship and, I guess extortion too … a little bit.

I have created and presided over the longest government shutdown in our country’s history. This has caused untold difficulty for hundreds of thousands of American workers families. And my only regret here is that I took responsibility right up front for this and can’t blame the Democrats. Who knew dealing with them would be so tough?

I could go on, but like I said it’s also important to get to the good stuff.

The US economy is booming thanks to a host of regulations I have loosened which allow companies to keep the wheels of industry turning, the air thick with smog and our river systems poisoned by industrial waste.

The job market is on an upturn as is the stock market and frankly I will take complete responsibility those successes, despite the fact that the majority of these jobs are low paying and the market activity is really only benefiting about 20% of Americans who can actually afford to invest.

The massive tax break that I initiated has been warmly received by the top 1% of Americans, the important people, and we are eagerly awaiting this action to trickle down to good paying jobs in all sectors. The quicker this could happen the better…just sayin’.

I have announced the immediate withdrawal of our troops from Syria and Iraq and a solid pay raise for all the soldiers and flyboys under my command. The fact that this has not come about just yet has more to do with my propensity to tell people what they want to hear to keep them motivated, than what I can actually do in this crummy job.

Finally, regarding the Mueller Witch Hunt/Investigation. It has been going on for quite some time and still no collusion between me and the Russians has been found, despite the fact that there have been a record number of indictments, arrests and convictions, I am still in the clear and relieved to to be there.

So here we are, in the third year in my historic presidency. My base, god bless their pointed little heads, remains strong due to its asinine belief that I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. Even God himself, or so I’m told, believes that I should be here. How flattering is that?

I have already raised a record amount of money for the 2020 election campaign, and frankly, looking out on the crop of Democrats who are thinking of throwing their hats it the ring, I say bring it on.

The work of making America great again is ongoing. The support I am lending to keeping America white is ongoing. My fanatical devotion to building a big beautiful wall along the southern border, despite all the naysayers and congressional resistance. is ongoing.

Over the next year I hope to expand my personal wealth through this office by a good 25%. I will be following the Putin model and insisting on part ownership of any company with a desire for government contracts.

I will be working diligently to alienate America from more countries around the world, start a profitable new arms race with Russia and maybe even China, annex the country of Venezuela and ensure our oil reserves for the next hundred years, continue to loosen regulations to allow even higher levels of industrial pollution, and take credit for every uptick in the stock market.

I will continue to create difficult problems and take credit for solving them, and I will put good people to work on figuring out how to best blackmail Speaker Pelosi and Senate Minorty Leader Schumer and bend them to my will.

Because as I said in 2016, it is I and I alone who can make America great again.

So the state of our union, I am pleased to report, is strong. And I thank God every day for anyone who believes that bullshit.

Thank you…don’t applaud just throw money.

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Comments

Jim Murray

5 years ago #4

#2
I recinded that resolution a week ago. It;s more important to keep popping these balloons. Also much more gratifying. Screw my personal brand. Never much cared about it anyway.

Ken Boddie

5 years ago #3

If only your post was ‘fake news’, Jim.

Jerry Fletcher

5 years ago #2

Jim, So much for resolutions! Agent Orange will bluster but will not tell a scintilla of the truth you convey here. And so it goes.

Patrick Scullin

5 years ago #1

So very true, Jim. Thanks, now I don't have to watch the fat bastard.

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