John White, MBA

6 years ago · 5 min. reading time · ~100 ·

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How The Dark Side of Facebook Has Become a Marriage Killer

How The Dark Side of Facebook Has Become a Marriage Killer

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With Facebook having just reached two billion monthly users, the media giant continues to be the most popular social network worldwide. People use Facebook for a wide variety of reasons. Some people like to use Facebook to reconnect with old friends. Small businesses use it with dreams of reaching the community and creating sales.

Virtually nobody gets on Facebook with the intention of using it to do harm to the relationship with their spouse. However, the latest research shows that Facebook is a contributing factor in one-third of all divorces.

As a digital marketer, I work with entrepreneurs on how to use Facebook to grow their brand. However, when I read Dave Worthen’s book, Facebreak, it gave me insights into the other side of Facebook. The dark side of Facebook goes well beyond just not getting enough likes on a post you thought was great or getting unfriended. Facebook can actually do permanent damage to relationships with the people you care about the most if you cross certain lines while using it.

Dave has been helping individuals and couples overcome relationship barriers for 40 years. His book left me wanting to learn more, so I was excited to reach out to Dave to get some additional insights and share them with you:

White: Your book hooked me after the first page, and by the end of the first chapter I knew I had to read the whole thing. For those reading here, can you tell us in nutshell what Facebreak is all about?

Worthen: Thanks, John. Chapter One is the foundation of the book. And that is simply this: Because we are hardwired to be curious, people will log on to Facebook and get curious about other people including ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-husbands, ex-wives, and what happened with Eileen or Jason from college. Not a problem.

Except if you are in a committed relationship. And once you go down that yellow brick road and your partner is unaware of it, well, you will run into what I coined a “Facebreak.” And that is a break in affinity, reality, and communication with your partner as a result of secretive behavior while online.

White: This is the “Invisible Line” you speak about in the book, yes?

Worthen: Yes. The “Invisible Line” is that invisible line inside all of us that really is just our own personal integrity. If you’re sitting on your laptop at home and your wife is doing dishes in the kitchen and you flip over to Megan’s profile you know from work, and then scroll down and start ogling her bikini pictures from her vacation in Cancun, you have crossed this line.

How do you know? Because when you hear your wife come into the living room, you immediately click off that page and back to your Fantasy Football page. You then look up at her a bit sheepishly like a teenager who just stuffed a Playboy under the couch cushion.

White: Wow! Sounds like your book has exposed some truths for people they may have given little or no importance to, yet as I was reading it I realized that this situation is much bigger than I ever imagined.

Worthen: Yes, it is a huge situation. In fact it was so big, I could not not write this book. There is no other book out on the market like this. It has become the “norm” to just go look at another’s profile or pictures because hey, you’re not breaking any laws. Well, you’re not breaking any laws looking at Megan’s bikini pictures, but if it’s not something to hide, then there’s no need to flip off her page when your wife walks in, right?

In fact if you and your wife are good, you shouldn’t mind her sitting down next to you when she asks “What are you looking at, honey?” and show her Megan posing in that itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polkadot bikini.

White: Ha! I never looked at it like that.

Worthen: Exactly! And let’s flip the tables so you get the other point of view. You’re watching football, and your wife is in the den doing the family finances on her laptop. At a commercial break, you get up to go give your wife a kiss.

You know, to break the mundane task of her doing QuickBooks. You walk in unexpectedly and say “How’s it going, babe?” She looks up nervously, turns a darker shade of red, and replies, “Oh you know, numbers, numbers, numbers…” as she clicks off the page of your friend Jack who is showing off his abs in a gym video he does on his site. Your wife has the hots for Jack. Well, at least his abs.

Because well, you last saw your abs when you watched a Jack LaLanne video. Your wife does that whole David Copperfield thing, so that you have no idea where that elephant went, and you just nod your head to her “...numbers, numbers, numbers” comment and walk over and give her a quick kiss. All is good in Nottingham Forest, yes?

White: I’m curious. What prompted you to look into this and research it as you mention in your book?

Worthen: Great question, John. To be honest, I had no real interest in going down this rabbit hole until these types of situations started appearing more and more in my clients’ businesses and in their married lives.

I have been counseling and consulting professionals for over 40 years. I pretty much knew this landscape.

But with advent of social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, etc., this kind of conduct began to raise its head and cause disruption not only in their marriages, but in the workspace as well.

White: So you end up finding these personal issues that then have disrupted the flow of the business and because it’s hidden and done steathily, executives and businessmen miss it? They assume something else is going on?

Worthen: Exactly! And let’s take the example of someone who is married and in the workspace also sexting or flirting with someone via Facebook while at work.

If Ed is sexting Mary Ann over in Marketing and she is flirting back, it’s all “fun and games.” Again, this is just off the rails but it’s going on every day in businesses all over the world. And even if Ed and Mary Ann “get away with it,” that storyline never ends up good. Never. They meet in a hotel for sex without anyone knowing, but in this day and age that’s nearly impossible. So someone from work “outs” Mary Ann because she’s a hardass boss and then the whole thing explodes.

Ed’s business might have been doing great, except now all that profit is paying divorce attorneys. Speaking of which, here is a statistic I hope readers take notice of because it’s a stunner:

“A survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that Facebook is cited as evidence in 66 percent of divorces in the United States. Also, more than 80 percent of divorce lawyers reported they ‘have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence’ during the past few years.”

White: So, did you give advice as to how to handle these situations that people were opening up about in your book?

Worthen: Yes I did. In my book I state right from the beginning that I’m not here to preach or moralize or lay down some kind of hard dogma about how you or anyone interacts in the online world. But since my goal in life is to help professionals flourish and prosper in both their personal and business lives, in each chapter I offer suggestions from my 40 years of training and working with couples.

My book is actually a guide for when you and/or your partner run into something where either one or both of you have crossed that “Invisible Line,” that you have some sage advice as to how to correct your course and get back on track.

White: Wow, that’s fantastic. So if a person reads your book and they realize their relationship is gone beyond their ability to handle, how can you help them?

Worthen: I actually offer a free phone consultation to get a real understanding of their particular situation. Because in truth, John, separation or divorce starts long before they get to the courthouse. When either partner begins to even entertain the idea of a separation or divorce, they’re already in trouble.

They may stay together but in truth they are a million miles apart emotionally and spiritually. And that, my friend, is a facebreak of major proportions. In my free consultation I take the time to truly help them isolate the exact areas of difficulty and give them real answers to the problems they have right now.

And I stick with them until they are in good communication and their relationship is back on track.

To learn more, you can find Dave’s book on Amazon here and connect with him on Twitter, LinkedInFacebook and beBee or just give him a call at 303-641-6647, like I did.



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Comments
I just looked at your link, Nicole Chardenet -- weird. I honestly can't imagine it being real or good, but then again, I saw no reason to use email back when it first came out in the late '80s/early '90s. Yikes.
#37
It may be as you pointed out, Nicole Chardenet, except that it's also funny to me.
OK, Nicole Chardenet, you just cracked me up! Especially with that last line. Many thanks for that.

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #26

#29
Thank you, Lupita \ud83d\udc1d Reyes! Yes, I felt a bit like those who first peered at bacteria under a microscope. It all looks fine on the surface, but what goes on at another level is something to behold. People really need to understand this even if they feel it does not apply to them.

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #25

#27
Hi Nicole Chardenet, Thanks again for commenting here. Looking at pics of the opposite sex when one is in a committed relationship is only the tip of the iceberg. I surveyed couples of all ages and even for someone like myself who has worked with couples for decades, the things people would do was eye-opening. And it wasn't so much the deed or content. It's that they hid it from their partner. It's all in the book!

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #24

#26
Thank you Nicole Chardenet!

Jerry Fletcher

6 years ago #23

#18
Thanks for the insight, Dave.
#9
Yup, and FB relented. My share went back on FB as well, Dave Worthen!
For those who saw my earlier comment about FB deleting my share of John White, MBA's post -- I contested their decision about it being spam and/or not suitable for the community, and they decided I was right. So the post went back up as I intended.

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #20

#12
Hi Zacharias \ud83d\udc1d Voulgaris! I love beBee! My favorite platform, actually. You'd be surprised what happens in the online world and the online world is not on a computer or social media platform. It's actually in the mind of the individual and what they do with that platform. My book goes into this point. Facebook is just one of many playgrounds where people wittingly or unwittingly step over the chalk line and think it has no repercussions!

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #19

#13
Hello again Lyon Brave, A technology detox party! Wow! Great idea. Face to face is where it's at. Digital has it's place for sure. But in human relationships, face to face is the real deal.

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #18

#14
Hi Lyon Brave, Facebreak exactly. Thanks for stopping by.

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #17

#15
Hi Eeva Maria Al-Khazaali, Thanks for stopping by and being so candid. I'm the one John interviewed and the author of the book. I surveyed hundreds of people and clients I knew and the answers were eye-opening. It really is a huge problem most are not aware of. Sorry to hear it ended your first marriage. I hope you are in a healthy one now.

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #16

#17
Hi Jerry Fletcher! I'm the author of the book and the one John interviewed in the article so I thought I'd jump in. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. The invisible line is really there inside all of us. I coined it that to give it significance, but it's really personal integrity. It's easy to click on something and "cross that line." But really, people will cross that line every day and not give it much thought. I highlighted in the book only because it was by survey, damaging the relationships of people and clients I work with.

Jerry Fletcher

6 years ago #15

John, Great article! It blind sided me. I had never even considered this dark side but then I've never really gotten into Facebook. That invisible line must also be there for folks not in committed relationships I assume. What does that look like?

Lyon Brave

6 years ago #14

facebreak

Lyon Brave

6 years ago #13

i just attended a technology detox party where we put away our cell phones. The idea was to get away from facebook and the influences of social media and just have a real face to face conversation

Zacharias 🐝 Voulgaris

6 years ago #12

Intriguing. This sort of issue would never happen with beBee though :-)

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #11

#10
Hi Susan \ud83d\udc1d Rooks, the Grammar Goddess! Yes, nice to be connected here with you as well. Yes, I will!
#9
Now that's interesting, Dave Worthen! I did find on my cell phone app that there was a way to say it's NOT spam, so I clicked that. But I can't even find the notice on my computer ... weird. Nice to be connected; let me know if and when I can help you with anything, OK?

Dave Worthen

6 years ago #9

Hi Susan \ud83d\udc1d Rooks, the Grammar Goddess! Just FYI. I posted John’s Interview with me on my FB page this morning and It’s still up and going strong! www.facebook.com/daveworthen

Paul Walters

6 years ago #8

John White, MBA Hmmm interesting read... however I shall have to digest before making any informed comment...perhaps I should read the book. I live in Indonesia ( one of the biggest per capita users of FB) here its a great tool for the population to communicate across all spectrums and being a really pious country I really don't think here its a 'dangerous' medium. perhaps its just us 'westerners' who' somehow behave badly!

Harvey Lloyd

6 years ago #7

#6
Why doesn't that surprise me😳 Freedom for everyone as long as you love FB.
Just as an aside, John White, MBA, I tried to post this on FB. It was immediately removed with a message that it violates their community standards and also looks like spam. My, my, my.
John White, MBA writes about the perils of FB, but it could any one of a number of online platforms. What are YOUR thoughts here?
While John White, MBA has written about FB, it could be other online platforms. Definitely something to think about, folks!

Debasish Majumder

6 years ago #3

Great buzz John White, MBA! enjoyed read and shared. thank you for the extremely relevant buzz.

Harvey Lloyd

6 years ago #2

I am not a social media fan to start with, but this really is a invisible line i could have tripped over, if i were on FB. I can only imagine that after the line cross goes public, that trust is an issue going forward, in a big way. Online adultery without the sex.

Harvey Lloyd

6 years ago #1

Interesting perspective and insight. Must read.

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