How To Build Your Own No Bullshit Zone

Maybe I should stop here and address the elephant in the room. Why am I talking about relationships? After all, I'm coming out of my second divorce. My first marriage crashed and burned. The divorce was extremely painful to the point of being traumatic. In fact, it was only very recently that my first wife and I reestablished a type of friendship. It still feels a little bit weird, though.

The second marriage dissipated by mutual consent. We parted amicably and remain good friends. Recently, I was in her neighborhood on a rainy day so I picked her up after work rather than let her walk home in the rain. How many guys would do that for an ex (or vice versa for that matter)? For that matter, how many exes would even enter the vehicle?

There's an old joke that goes like this: Mariage is like the suits in a deck of playing cards. It starts out with two Hearts and a Diamond. It ends with you wishing for a Club and a Spade!

It doesn't have to be that way. I may have loved and lost two phenomenal women, but I was with each for 20 years and still have friendly relationships with them. If that doesn't give me the right to talk relationships, fine, don't read further.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychologist, nor am I a psychiatrist. The following are the musings of a layman. They work for me, but may not work for you. I don't see how relationships built on a platform of 100% honesty can be harmful, but again, I'm not a  psychologist, nor am I a psychiatrist. Use the following at your own risk, or don't. Your call, your choice.
Me

How Mo got the idea for the No-Bullshit Zone

After my first divorce, I was angry. I felt betrayed. I had serious trust issues with women. I lashed out. I behaved badly. . . very badly. Fortunately, I also had Mo to talk things through with. The poor girl listened to near-daily bitching from me for months. 

I'm amazed we're still friends. In the unlikely event that I marry again, I think Mo should be the Best "Man."

Eventually, we got to the trust thing. Bottom line, I didn't trust women to not hurt me so I dumped them first. Mo noticed the pattern and forced me to confront it. She asked a simple question, "It wasn't always like that. Who were you able to talk to effortlessly, painlessly, and honestly to?" 

Only two names came to mind, Mo herself, and my first-wife circa ten years previously. Neither were even remote possibilities for a relationship. 

Mo can be very persistent. She kept pushing. It took quite a while, but eventually, I remembered a conversation that was truly effortless, easy, and honest. It was great. We yakked away like lifelong friends even though we had just met. It was also completely innocent. Maybe the lack of an ulterior motive helped? I don't know. 

She was single. I was married. The connection was ignored as was the attraction.

Nevertheless, that conversation became the G-Test. I shortened its name to her initial for publication here.

Twenty years ago, about 10 years after the G-conversation, was the time of my first divorce. Then the shoe was on the other foot, G-wise. I was divorced, G was engaged. 

Yes, my timing sucks.

"No worries," Mo said, "We just need to find you another G!"

Easily said. Not so easily done. 

I decided then and there that I would not start any new relationship unless it was on a similar footing of honesty as shown by the G-test. I don't really need the instant connection so I used a discounted version of the G-test. 

But there was a problem. I needed to really understand and get to know a woman to see if there was a possible connection there. How else could I apply the G-Test? 

A simple conversation wouldn't cut it. We tend to fake more than we reveal when talking to a potential love interest. " Fake It 'til You Make It" kept rearing its ugly head. I needed something else. That something else brought me to wife #2.

The No-Bullshit Zone was created

As the name implies, this is a zone where bullshit is not allowed to exist. The Zone can be a temporary thing or it can be permanent. Mo and I have been in the No-Bullshit Zone for twenty years. My second wife and I called No-Bullshit sessions as needed.

The No-Bullshit Zone works like this. . .

Both sides take turns asking anything. The other side agrees to answer fully, truthfully, and bluntly, no holds barred. 

Both sides agree to a no-judgment philosophy. 

Both sides agree to ask for clarification or rephrasing before getting angry. Both sides agree to a time-out if anger sets in anyway. After that time-out, either party may or may not return to the zone, their choice and theirs alone. Clarification can be for a question as much as for an answer.

Both sides agree to listen! They make no assumptions as to what was meant over what was said. They agree to resist the temptation of reading between the lines. Look at this page. Now, look between the lines. What do you see? Exactly, there's nothing there except what your imagination adds. Ask for clarification if you're unsure as to meaning.

If you think a question is inappropriate or premature, say so. It should be tabled, but you can bet your sweet patootie it will come back.

This is not the time to try and spare the other's feelings. How is it kinder to lie to avoid giving a sharp pinch so that later, you can reach down their throat to tear their heart out? Please, I'll take the pinch, and thank you for it.

Simplicity belies complexity

The idea is profound in its simplicity, yet very difficult to implement. My first attempts were decidedly frustrating. It takes a while for the other person to understand that (in no particular order) . . .

- We are attempting to determine the solidity of a foundation for a future, or ongoing, relationship. That means it's okay if the solidity isn't there. Really! We start as friends and continue as friends, just not lovers. Better that than continuing as lovers and parting as enemies. 

- Most people have trouble telling the raw, unvarnished truth. We're raised to be polite and considerate of other's feelings. That's wonderful. This isn't the time for it. Blunt, brutal honesty is de rigeur. It won't come right away. Nobody believes you will truly be honest. They hear what you say, but assume it's bullshit. That speaks volumes for the current state of romantic relationships, doesn't it?

- Never ask a question you don’t want to hear the answer to. If you ask me if your butt looks big in those jeans and it does, I’ll answer, “No, it looks Huge.”

- The No-Bullshit Zone is also the No-Judgement Zone. Answer truthfully. Be brave. You may feel a little pain now which is a lot better than a lot of pain later.

- The No-Bullshit Zone is also the No-Fudging Zone. That should be obvious. Hedging your answers is just another form of Bullshit.

- It's the No-Bullshit Zone, not the Digging Up Future Fight Topics Zone. That too is just another form of Bullshit.

Implementing a No-Bullshit Zone

First of all, you need your G-Test. When were you completely at ease and comfortable with a member of your preferred sex? When was your conversation 100% effortless? When were you able to just be yourself, and the other person liked you as is and vice versa?

Grab hold of that memory. Remember how you felt. Hold it in your mind.

That's what you're aiming for, that feeling.

Understand that you are not looking for a perfect fit to your mental projection. That'll never happen, not even with the original person. Besides, chances are, your subconscious embellished it. You need to get as close as possible to the feeling you had. Just how close you need to get is up to you.

Let's use an analogy to explain this. This is just an analogy, so don't start flaming me just yet. 

The suit analogy

Consider the act of buying a designer suit. It can be a man's suit or a woman's tailleur (skirt suit), same idea.

You know it won't fit you perfectly right off the rack. You know it will need some minor alteration. 

Maybe the sleeves will need shortening. The hem(s) will surely need attention. Maybe the shoulders will need a little letting out or taking in. All that stuff is expected and normal. Nothing here is a deal breaker.

So far so good.

Now, consider this scenario. You find a great deal on a great skirt suit from a great brand. You gotta have it. But, you wear a size 8 and it's a 14. We are no longer talking alterations, here. That suit will need a complete rebuild. It may be possible, but probably not. Either way, you'll lose the garment's integrity as the designer intended it to be. In short, you aren't getting what you expect. You got a half-assed facsimile of what you wanted. You didn't get what you bargained for.

That's trouble.

That would be a deal breaker for something mundane like a suit, yet, many of us accept this scenario in the vastly more important case of a romantic partner.

How does that make any sense?

Your partner's true self should fit your true self at least as well as a frigging suit! Hold back the pretense. Hold back the bullshit. Be yourself. If they don't love you for who you are, they don't love you.

Finding a romantic partner is a lot tougher than buying a suit. For one thing, the size etc is written right on the suit's label. The suit isn't actively lying (consciously or subconsciously) to get you to buy it. 

Imagine the skirt suit scenario above but the label reads size 8. You would have been ecstatic! You would have grabbed it and skipped all the way to the cash. You found the perfect suit! The feeling would change dramatically once you got home and learned the truth. That's when disappointment sets in. 

You didn't get what you wanted. Neither did the suit. That's when both you and your "suit" start feeling resentment. Eventually, that resentment boils over and off the "suit" goes to Good Will.

Farfetched? Not at all. This happens every single day when people try to negotiate a "win" relationship-wise. Even our language has expressions like "winning her love." A common piece of advice is, "To keep your mate, you need to keep doing what won you that mate." 

Seriously, people, a love interest is not something you "win" or "negotiate." You build it.You build it from a solid foundation.

All I'm saying is that it's best to learn the truth, whatever that truth happens to be, early. If that truth means you didn't find the perfect suit (romantic partner), so be it. 

Grow a set, deal with it, move on.

Ease into honesty

Easy does it. That may sound counter-intuitive. Most people are so used to "Fake It 'Til You Make It" in their relationships that it takes a while to break through the inertia built up from years upon years of bullshit. Avoid the deeper questions at first. You won't get straight answers anyway until you've proven the No-Judgement part of the Zone.

Start with easy questions that don't divulge much. Just get to yakking in the most comfortable way you can. You aren't so much looking for specific answers to specific questions as you are trying to get an honest conversation going.

That's harder than it sounds.

There is no end goal

That honest conversation is the end goal. You aren't trying to build a relationship. You aren't trying to determine if this is the right person for you. That will come later. You just want to see if there's a reasonably strong foundation on which to build that relationship. 

No, "She's crazy hot," is not a strong enough foundation.

If the honest conversation indicates that there is no foundation, that's fine too. If you force the issue, the relationship will likely fail eventually. No, he/she will not change to suit you, at least not for long. No, you can't "fix" them, they aren't broken. There are no, "They're perfect! Except for point A, point B, .... point ??" 

Minor "alterations" are okay. A major rebuild is not. 

Use your head

Don't push into questions that will cause discomfort. Don't insist on answers if they are asked prematurely. Being abrasive is just another form of Bullshit. That's not allowed in the Zone.

Once your potential significant other believes in the No-Bullshit, No-Judgement thing, you will be on the path of knowing their true self. Hopefully, it'll fit your true self.

If not, not.

If so. . . Mazel tov!

Cheers