On Love, Relationships, Loss, And Mind Hell
I've been somewhat less prolific than usual lately. A second divorce will do that to a guy's muse.
No, Phil Friedman for pointing Dave's post out to me. Dave's post inspired me to write this one.
If you haven't read it, please do.
RANT MODE ON
I'm a "post-mortem" kind of guy. When things go wrong, I like to dig into the "why" they went wrong. That lets me avoid repeating old mistakes, thus allowing time for inventing new mistakes to make.
After my first divorce, and after the prerequisite period of resentment, anger, distrust of the feminine gender, lashing out, and dating women half my age, I eventually settled down into the "post-mortem analysis" phase.
It took about three months to run the gamut of emotions and behaviors (both good and bad). I didn't do it alone.
I have a long-time friend/surrogate baby sister, Mo. At the time of my first divorce, Mo was also going through a relationship rough patch. We helped each other get through our respective Mind Hells. To be honest, I got the better end of that deal. Mo helped me far more than I helped her. Mo was instrumental in my keeping as much (as little?) of my sanity as I now have.
A little after my first divorce, The No-BullShit Zone came to be. To give credit where credit is due, Mo invented it. I just named it, adopted it as my new religion, and ran with it.
I'll explain The No-BullShit Zone in another post. My first divorce was a war that became a state of "armed truce," that eventually became acceptance, and finally, the germ of a new, different friendship.
The second divorce was a peaceful parting of the ways. That's mostly due to The No-BullShit Zone.
Insane Expectations
Popular culture feeds us a crock of crap about what love means and how our relationships should go. We often see it as an extension of our "Win" business mentality.
It isn't.
Too often, we adopt a philosophy of Fake It 'Til You Make It. That might work for your job (debatable) or other endeavors. It sure as hell doesn't work for relationships. If anything, it makes things worse. Use the "Fake It 'Til You Make It" strategy in your relationships and you are setting yourself, and your partner, up for a world of hurt.
Fake It 'Til You Make It is the most common strategy. It's very effective in the short term. It's disastrous for the long-term. The problem is that most relationships start off short-term and sort of morph into the long term on their own by the simple fact that they haven't ended. . .Yet.
We're screwed from the start.
I doubt it's an intentional thing. It starts benignly enough. We meet someone new. There's an attraction. We want to place ourselves in a better light. We want to please that other person. We do some stuff that they like. They do some stuff we like. That's okay, some give-and-take is a good thing. A complete fabrication of a persona isn't good at all. Yet, we have all been guilty of it at some point and to some degree.
Last January, eight marriages and long-term relationships died. That's just from my personal circle of friends and acquaintances. I spoke to many of them as part of my post-mortem analysis. Bottom line. . . Five of the six couples should never have gotten together in the first place even though all but one lasted over ten years. The sixth relationship drifted apart, as did mine.
I'll illustrate what I mean through two songs. Surprisingly, or maybe not, the first five couples prefer the first song while the sixth (and me) prefer the second. Coincidence?
Maybe.
"Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden
There is no doubt that "Truly, Madly, Deeply" is a great song. It's on several of my Spotify playlists and I love the melody and vocals. I'm somewhat less enthused by the lyrics.
The opening lyrics go like this:
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning.
First off, what's with the future tense? Shouldn't it be more like, "I am" rather than, "I'll be?" The lyrics sound more like a negotiation session than a declaration of love. There seems to be an unspoken "if" there.
The last part of the second line is particularly telling, "(I'll) be everything that you need."
Seriously? Everything? Define "everything." Does it even matter? It probably should.
That's Fake It 'Til You Make It at its worst. Forcing yourself to fit into someone else's idea of the ideal is a prescription for an eventual resentment-fueled explosion. You're building on a foundation of lies. They may be white lies, but they're lies nonetheless.
You can't keep those lies alive forever. Eventually, your true self will come out.
Then what?
Here's a crazy thought. . . Maybe we should consider starting with our true self?
One woman told me, "I don't know what happened. He always loved classical music. We used to go to the symphony often. . . at least 3 or 4 times a month. A few years ago, he lost interest, poof just like that, no warning, nothing, just what. . . A change of heart? I mean, our second date was to the symphony and our first weekend together was a trip to New York to see an opera and a Broadway show! What changed? What happened?"
Her newly minted ex-husband told me, "At least I don't have to go to the fucking symphony anymore. God, I hated that shit."
He didn't lose interest. It was never there. They both made many concessions contrary to their true natures. They both faked those concessions for 17 years. Eventually, they couldn't fake it anymore. . . BOOM!
You can only bend so far, for so long, before you snap back.
They both believe they drifted apart. I don't think so. I think the truth is far worse. The person they married never really existed. How is that fair or desirable? We all want to be loved for who we are. Why do we pretend to be someone else?
Really, why? I'm asking.
The only logical reason I can think of is that if we don't pretend to be what they want, they won't fall in love with us. Scoop: They didn't. They fell in love with a role you were playing, a persona. It wasn't you at all.
Why bother? Because you "got" them, because you "won their love?" That's so sad it's nearly pathetic.
Back to the song.
The last line is scary, "(I'm counting on) a reason for living. A deeper meaning."
Wow!
I'm no psychologist or psychiatrist, but it seems to me that if another person is your reason for living, you have no business being in a relationship with anyone. PERIOD. You should probably seek professional help.
"All of me" by John Legend
This is another great song. It too is on many of my playlists. . . sometimes more than once on the same playlist. Yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic, or maybe just a hopeful one.
More importantly, it offers us a relationship model rather than a negotiation tactic.
The refrain goes like this:
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you
" Cause all of me loves all of you. (I) love your curves and all your edges, All your perfect imperfections, Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you," implies that I accept you as you are. You accept me as I am. It doesn't say we have no faults. It acknowledges we do. It says we recognize the faults. It says we're okay with them.
That's perfect, provided it's true and not just another case of Fake It To Make It.
"Even when I lose I'm winning," implies disagreement without adversity, blame, or fighting. That's great.
" 'Cause I give you all of me and you give me all, all of you," implies an acceptance of the totality of the individual, all of their faults, all their virtues, all their missteps, all their foibles, all their dreams, all their fears, everything. That's what love is built on. That's the foundation we all want but most can't seem to find. It's no guarantee that love is even possible, but it's a good start.
In my whole life, I only met two women that were completely effortless to be with and talk to. Only two that I could be 100% myself without weighing words lest those words be misconstrued. Only one where I felt like I'd known her forever within minutes of meeting her.
Only one.
Too bad that was many years ago.
Too bad she's unavailable, now.
Here's to hoping I meet another.
Cheers.
RANT MODE OFF
Truly, Madly Deeply: Savage Garden
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest power, in lonely hours, the tears devour you
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to live like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me
All of Me: John Legend
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every move
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you
Give me all of you
Risking it all, though it’s hard
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
And you give me all, all of you
Articles from Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
View blogThis is the follow-up to "On Love, Relationships, Loss, And Mind Hell," that describes the idea Mo c ...
This is the seventh post in the MisAdventures in Mid-Life Dating series. Some of you may be thinking ...
Hi, y'all. It's been a while. In fact, it's been so long, I forgot how to use the Producer platform. ...
Related professionals
You may be interested in these jobs
-
Contracts Manager
Found in: Talent CA C2 - 4 days ago
IMP Group International Inc. Halifax, Canada TEMPORARYRequisition ID: 1265 · Why Choose IMP Aerospace & Defence: · IMP Aerospace & Defence is not only one of the leading companies in the Aerospace field, but we are also one of the most engaging and equality advocating companies to work for. We believe that regardless of where you w ...
-
Sr Software Developer
Found in: Talent CA C2 - 2 days ago
Ocado Group Toronto, CanadaSenior Software Developer - Robotic Pick Integrations, Grocery Team · Founded in 2014, Kindred is a robotics and artificial intelligence (AI) company that develops robots to solve real-world problems. Its mission is to enhance the lives of human workers with the power of AI robo ...
-
Commis aux Achats
Found in: Talent CA C2 - 2 weeks ago
Héroux Devtek Longueuil, Canada Full timeInformation sur la société : · Héroux-Devtek, dont le siège social est situé à Longueuil (Québec) au Canada, est une société active à l'échelle mondiale desservant le marché de l'aérospatiale par le biais d'installations de production situées en Amérique du Nord et en Europe. La ...
Comments
Lada 🏡 Prkic
5 years ago #68
What a lovely compliment to my writing! Many thanks, Louse. I made many more short buzzes, like this one about ironing. To me, it's all about engagement with my online community, and I think that short-form contents can also provoke engaging discussion.
Louise Smith
5 years ago #67
I think Lada \ud83c\udfe1 Prkic you stated that you don't write many posts They seem to stick in my memory though so the content must be excellent ! Quality not ....... !
Lada 🏡 Prkic
5 years ago #66
Louise, thanks for reminding me. I found my buzz about Ironing Man and shared it again with my followers. For men, ironing can be a meditation, a catharsis and a necessary task all at once.:-) https://www.bebee.com/content/1834610/1727152
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #65
LOL, unlikely. Mind you, I am looking into the possibility of emigrating to Florida's Tampa area. That's sort of like Spain-South-Southwest
Louise Smith
5 years ago #64
Maybe in Madrid in Spain ?
Louise Smith
5 years ago #63
Chris \ud83d\udc1dR Guest Cleaning Cleaning Ladies topics close to your heart like Ironing ?
Louise Smith
5 years ago #62
Lada \ud83c\udfe1 Prkic Ironing is a topic here ! Also Cleaning Ladies Well I had an excellent Cleaning Man for a while This is quite a rare find My friends all asked me if he was Gay
Louise Smith
5 years ago #61
Perceptive comment ?
Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.
5 years ago #60
you are very welcome Paul \
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #59
Thank you for that . As my Jewish friends may say, "From your lips to God's ears."
Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.
5 years ago #58
Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.
5 years ago #57
Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸
5 years ago #56
Paul \ Pablo is still a kid :-)
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #55
Thanks, Claire L Cardwell. This second divorce was much less traumatic than the first. We still get along and are still in casual contact. Living in sin may indeed be the answer, but, in all seriousness, how much actual sinning is possible at my age? LMAO
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #54
LMAO, Javi!!! I'm glad you enjoyed it even though it wasn't as funny as Javi vs The Plow. To respond to your comment . . . . Some of us just never learn. Seriously, I doubt I'll marry again. What's the point? It's not like I'lll have more kids. My kids will soon be having kids of their own. On the other hand, there are certain legal protections granted through marriage. I guess we'll just have to wait and see "Never" is a very long time, my friend
Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸
5 years ago #53
OMG, Paul. Would you marry for a third time? I doubt that I would for a second time LOL. a great buzz. I really enjoyed ! thanks
Javier Cámara-Rica 🐝🇪🇸
5 years ago #52
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #51
Happy Birthday, Franci!!!
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #50
LOL, yeah, or the lack thereof, Lyon Brave
Lyon Brave
5 years ago #49
Ian Weinberg
5 years ago #48
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #47
LMAO, Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier. You, my dear, are sexist (hehehehe, joking). Laundry and housework, indeed! Laundry and housework are asexual acts.Men don't often do laundry and housework not because they can't, but because there's a little of the slob in all of us. Cleaning ladies are much less hassle than girlfriends although a good one is nearly as hard to find. To be clear I am not at all planning to remarry a third time. For that matter, I'm not all that keen on starting any type of new relationship. Then again, people don't really find love. It finds them.
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #46
Amen, Franci\ud83d\udc1dEugenia Hoffman, beBee Brand Ambassador! I'd just add, don't start of with pretending and don't think "I can always change them later." Some minor adjustment is normal. Rebuilds are not
Louise Smith
5 years ago #45
Glad to know I can inspire !
Louise Smith
5 years ago #44
Regardless of anything or everything it's a steep learning curve !
Louise Smith
5 years ago #43
Nothing holy about it ! I just wrote the precis of Eric Fromm's work as I wondered if it was everyday reading for most of us & thought Not ! I agree with most of it ( there are a few typos though as I forget I can't edit comments in bB) but I have rarely made my opinion know as most people think that I'm too cynical. To be Academic, love & how to love is learned from birth. It's called attachment theory. See Mary Ainsworth & The Strange Situation https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Ainsworth She's American born but lived in Canada from 5 yo. So she must be ok ! Some people have good role models & others do not. However with awareness adults can relearn better more adaptive patterns. The keys to change are awareness, motivation, tenacity & just being fed up with constant experiences of bad relationships, unhappiness & depression (being lovesick?) or (being sick of love?)
Graham🐝 Edwards
5 years ago #42
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #41
Louise Smith: Holy shit, Lou! I don't know if you're inspiring me or depressing me... LMAO
Bill Stankiewicz
5 years ago #40
Stay positive Paul & its good to express your feelings vs holding them inside. Here to help in any way or to just listen. I do enjoy reading your writings. Best, BillStankiewicz@savannahsupplychain.com
Bill Stankiewicz
5 years ago #39
John Rylance
5 years ago #38
Louise Smith
5 years ago #37
Thanks I think anyone can read it at any age ! Fromm presents love as a skill that can be taught and developed. Loving as something magical and mysterious that cannot be analyzed and explained, and he is therefore skeptical about popular ideas such as "falling in love" or being "helpless" because of it. He goes on to state thatvas modern humans are alienated from each other and from nature, we seek refuge from our lonesomeness in romantic love. Fromm observes that real love cannot be easily found. By developing one's personality to loving one's neighbor with "true humility, courage, faith and discipline" real love may be experienced. This should be considered a rare achievement. Fromm states: "love today is a relatively rare phenomenon, that we have a great deal of sentimentality; we have a great deal of illusion about love, namely as something one falls in. But the question is not about falling in love as one has to be in love. Eric Fromm's 'The Art of Loving' AND I think that takes a lot of dedication !
Louise Smith
5 years ago #36
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #35
LOL, I hear ya, Jerry Fletcher! But, "never" is an awfully long time.
Jerry Fletcher
5 years ago #34
Yeah, that desire to "set you up" is a pain where a pill won't reach. I've been lucky. I have two women that are friends. Both of them have been divorced twice more than me and as they say "never going back to that!" And so it goes.
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #33
Thanks, Lada \ud83c\udfe1 Prkic
Lada 🏡 Prkic
5 years ago #32
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #31
Exactly, although I do not espouse dictating terms. I just believe that time should be taken to make sure both sides are on the same page. How often do we assume motivations? How often do we hold back to spare the other a little short-term pain? What I propose is a safe, no-judgement, no-anger zone where either side can ask ANYTHING and the other will ANSWER TRUTHFULLY WITHOUT PULLING ANY PUNCHES. The only "rule" apart from no judgment and no anger, is that you should only ask questions that you want to hear the answer to. It's a question of knowing not guessing. Are you game to try, Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier? Go ahead, ask me anything suitable for this public forum and I will answer it.
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #30
Actually, Brian McKenzie it isn't really that "nobody is truly interested in the real & genuine me." Plenty are. Apparently, I'm a catch. Yeah, I'm as surprised as anyone. Must be the barn-door shoulders and little butt. It's more accurate to say that I don't buy the women's agreement to just about everything I say. I've already felt an instant and deep connection. I know what it feels like. I don't need the instant part, but I insist on a connection with at least the potential of depth. Somebody somewhere must have fed these women a heaping plateful of the bullshit known as the "fragile male ego." Seriously, girls, if a guy is too fragile to handle your strength you don't need him! Strong men prefer strong women. If a man can't handle a different opinion, then he's just an ass and you don't need him either. If you're gonna fail, it's best to fail early. Not only am I not interested in dancing to anyone else's tune (unless it's fairly close to my own) I also have no interest in having someone else dance to my tune unless it's fairly close to hers. I completely disagree with your assessment of the John Legend lyrics. I'm not saying they are Gospel, but they are close enough to my preferred reality that they well illustrate my point.
Phil Friedman
5 years ago #29
Yes, you should have. Well, you'll be back sometime in the near future to visit your daughter, so just don't forget next time. Cheers!
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #28
The first divorce was definitely of the crash and burn variety. The second not so much. Really, guys, I'm fine
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #27
Right now I am NOT looking for a relationship and try to politely make that clear to everybody. The exception would be if that woman from ages ago allowed herself to become available. She's separated but not ready to look around. I can and do respect that. I keep my distance
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #26
Will do. It may be a while. I just volunteered to cook at a summer camp for at-risk kids
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #25
Thanks, Gert Scholtz
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #24
Thanks, Pascal Derrien. No worries, I am not devasted, angry, shocked, impatient, short, lacking of trust, etc like I was after the first divorce. I really believe it's the shock and surprise of a sudden break up that actually hurts. Then comes the thinking back to ascertain "I should have known." This time was much different.
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #23
Louise Smith if you have had that type of deep instant connection with several or many people, consider yourself extremely (no, inconceivably) lucky! I feel much richer for having met just the one.
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #22
I assume it's carpe diem that's why I chose that picture. Mind you, Carpe vita tua (Seize Your Life) would probably better fit the post.
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #21
Thanks, Phil Friedman. Yes, it's a loss, but when a door closes a window opens somewhere. On another note, I am seriously pissed off at myself about something else. I noticed that I was 2.8 miles from you when I was in Ft. Lauderdale. I was on 58th. I thought of you when we took that water taxi on the Intracoastal checking out superyachts. We should have met for coffee.
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #20
Actually, Jerry Fletcher I'm not looking right now. That one woman from years ago was the exception. Funny thing, everybody from my pharmacist to friends, to ex-colleagues, to even my daughter's friends is trying to set me up with someone or other. I even have an ex-intern from my bakery who wants me to date her Mom (Mom's 47) I've politely refused them all.
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #19
Don't be sorry, Wayne Yoshida. Everything ends. My second wife and I were firm,y in the No-BS Zone. We talked things out, good or bad. The split was mutual. It isn't the break-up that hurts. It's the shock, disbelief and denial at the break-up. Normally, it's always a surprise for one side. In my second divorce, there was no shock, disbelief or surprise
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #18
Thanks for that detailed comment Ren\u00e9e \ud83d\udc1d Cormier. Re: "The win for me is that I get to live life on my own terms rather than someone else's. " How great would it be if we could live life on our terms that mesh with someone else's?
Wayne Yoshida
5 years ago #17
Jerry Fletcher
5 years ago #16
Louise Smith
5 years ago #15
Phil Friedman
5 years ago #14
Louise Smith
5 years ago #13
Louise Smith
5 years ago #12
Pascal Derrien
5 years ago #11
Gert Scholtz
5 years ago #10
Louise Smith
5 years ago #9
Louise Smith
5 years ago #8
Louise Smith
5 years ago #7
Louise Smith
5 years ago #6
Louise Smith
5 years ago #5
Harvey Lloyd
5 years ago #4
Lupita 🐝 Reyes
5 years ago #3
Debasish Majumder
5 years ago #2
Paul "Pablo" Croubalian
5 years ago #1