A Haunting Experience

It's pretty difficult to pretend to be a dolphin when you are stuck in a biological coffin. That one would almost make me laugh if it was not reminding me of some uber deformity. Without any ambiguity I think there is a specter inside me, a spirit who is trying to break free. Not an unwelcomed guest or anything spooky but just another entity who is a different me.

Somebody I wish to be, somebody who would be the leader of the pack not one who suffers from multiple panic attacks. Not one who lives in obscurity but one who is one of a kind and does not crave for a lucid state of mind. There is so much inside yet no obvious signals or imminent riptide, just some misplaced awkward pride preventing me from enjoying the ride.

Its not easy being a transgender. By stating this its not an indication that I am losing my temper but don't dare telling me its my choice, it would be a grave error. I accept that the reversal logistics has profoundly modified my plastic. While I admit it has been somewhat traumatic, I had not anticipated it would give me such an uninterrupted cause for agony. Some kind of humankind reflux in a form considered as its most toxic.   

Where is the magic when you're told you are paraplegic. There is no emotional rescue device, it makes you feel pathetic not ecstatic. Don't tell me you relate because I may retaliate. They often say how inspirational is it to see you have been so active for somebody...….

IMMOBILE say the fucking word you dumb ass it will not make it sound any less crass. I don't need you and your friends frigging pity. Who do you think I am ? Don't mistake me for a blinking teddy. You lot are a bloody nuisance, you and your acts of benevolence. You can stuff your TED talks about life and its renaissance.

Why mother? Is a question that never had an answer. Why Father? Is an interrogation that was always received with the utmost anger. Why bother? Is a parameter that has often made me wonder. Would it not be easier to surrender in front of adversity and its power. Would it not be simpler to you if I was not so dissimilar ? 

I am not a danger or a widespread disease so you can park your unease. I am not a menace because I am not part of the conformity race. Listen, I did not have the chance to get a pick or avoid being a freak but it's not right that my state of being is always a perpetual fight.

What is the alternative when the environment is so repressive? Their intuition suggest a sleek institution, somewhere distinctive, safely restrictive but most exceedingly oppressive.

Maybe it's a fancy term to say I should be shipped to the ultimate Psychiatrical outpost.

A  place where at last, to their relief I would be-come a ghost.

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Ghost inside of me

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Written Material Copyright 2019 - Pascal Derrien -