Are The Stupid Getting Stupider?

Or is crying over one-legged geese and reporting fake IDs pretty normal?

“Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.” P.J. O’Rourke

This isn’t a rant so much as a slightly biased observation. I say slightly because I could be a whole bunch biased. I’m capable of both, and there’s enough going on these days to make me biased as hell. I mean, there’s stupid and then there’s stupid, right? What differentiates one from the other is brain cells. Without a certain number, you’re really dumb.

I remember back in my early days when a teacher would have no qualms telling me, “You certainly weren’t around when God gave out brains, were you”? Teachers can’t do that today. They’d be accused of stunting my academic growth. Today they must do everything to enhance whatever brain cells we’ve got. This should include a “no grading system” in states where experts claim grades are pretty much ignored, anyway.

“I like stupid people,” he told an audience in Arkansas during the 2016 primaries. They’re his kind of American: Old enough to vote, dumb enough to shoot squirrels from a moving transport truck.

President Trump has these states locked up. He was never big on grades to begin with. “I like stupid people,” he told an audience in Arkansas during the 2016 primaries. They’re his kind of American: Old enough to vote, dumb enough to shoot squirrels from a moving transport truck.

During the impeachment trials, one of Trump’s lawyers, Alan Dershowitz, played fast and loose with the Constitution, saying Trump pressing Ukraine for dirt on the Bidens didn’t rise to the level of crimes and misdemeanors. As he explained, it isn’t impeachable because Democrats couldn’t prove it was “personal not public good.”

Semantics are a wonderful thing, especially in trials where 52 Republican senators can, in effect, overrule the presiding judge. The dumb part is how it looks to the other 287 million Americans who, might or might not, consider shooting squirrels from a moving transport truck.

Only an election in 2020 will reveal just how stupid some Americans really are. Until then, it’s all speculation, and there’s enough stupidity here at home to keep reporters busy until next November.

My home, by the way, is in Southern Ontario, just so you don’t think I’m focusing on Americans. Up in the True North, our own level of stupidity is, well, pretty darned stupid.

When I say here at home, we’ve got characters who can match any level of squirrel hunter (we have these, too). On the Bell curve of stupidity, it’s a crap shoot. Just when you think you’ve seen and heard everything, along come even stupider people. My home, by the way, is in Southern Ontario, just so you don’t think I’m focusing on Americans. Up in the True North, our own level of stupidity is, well, pretty darned stupid.

Let me start with a story of two cops posting a picture of themselves in their cruiser on Facebook (local). Below ran a caption saying, “After you stole two heaters from Walmart and ran off (you were pretty quick), you dropped your phone and your wallet (this photo was taken with your phone). If you’d like them back, they’re here at the police station.”

I’d like to first congratulate the cops for the classiest take-down I’ve ever read, classy because it wasn’t a take-down at all. Yet Skippy (which I call the thief), will probably be stupid enough to believe, if he doesn’t show up at the police station, he’s pretty much paid for the heaters with his wallet and phone. It doesn’t work that way, Skippy. You’re an idiot.

Not to be outdone, another bright light in the compendium of morons, is the guy (from the same town), who complained to the police that the fake ID he ordered online never arrived.

Not to be outdone, another bright light in the compendium of morons, is the guy (from the same town), who complained to the police that the fake ID he ordered online never arrived. You can admire his spunk, but still question what he does when he’s not online ordering illegal stuff.

Before we pass judgment here, the kid comes from a town where a Needle Disposal Box sits next to the taxi stand. Such juxtapositioning demonstrates a town council whose logic isn’t much better than the kid complaining to the police. Stupid is, as stupid, does, in other words.

Of course, Facebook wouldn’t be Facebook without some heart-rending story, brought to you courtesy of a woman filming herself crying hysterically because she saw a Canada Goose with only one leg. She cried and cried until the goose brought its other leg down. Geese often curl one leg up in their fur to warm it up. The woman stopped crying eventually, but she’s sure to be in hysterics again during nesting season.

“All those poor geese with no legs,” she’ll sniffle, which wildlife conservationists could use to their advantage, showing the nesting geese with a caption reading: “Thousands of legless geese in need of donations.”

“Ducks and other water fowl have plant-based diets,” a wildlife expert explained, “and get indigestion with anything starchy.” A concerned reader wrote back: “I’ve got some Pepto-Bismol.”

A similar tactic was used when a woman went on Facebook asking “Is there a burglar alarm that isn’t attached to the landline?” A reader quickly responded: “A doberman pinscher.”

Then there was the callout on Facebook (local again), asking citizens to stop feeding ducks bread and French fries. “Ducks and other water fowl have plant-based diets,” a wildlife expert explained, “and get indigestion with anything starchy.” A concerned reader wrote back: “I’ve got some Pepto-Bismol.”

Again, stupid is as stupid does, but does it rise to the level of truly stupid? And are brain cells simply depleting on their own, or are they tied up, like the ducks, with heartburn issues?

Let’s move to a more serious case involving an electronically sophisticated Peeping Tom. This past month, a woman here in town was changing her clothes and noticed a drone hovering outside her bedroom window. Leaning out to get a better look, she saw a man standing near the border of her property holding a remote control.

“It isn’t my husband,” one woman wrote. “He can’t even work the remote on the TV.”

As she described it, the man appeared to be between 60 and 70 years old with white hair, heading northwest down the street. Numerous comments were posted (and then taken down), but one remains my favourite: “It isn’t my husband,” one woman wrote. “He can’t even work the remote on the TV.”

Maybe it’s January, and brain cells will come back with the warmer weather. But, for now, it looks like Facebook is chronicling the silly and stupid with the gay abandon usually reserved for The Daily Mirror.

At least there’s an impeachment trial that seems to trump all other idiocy, and we’ll just have to make do with that until the geese start nesting, and Walmart stops using cheap security cameras.

Until then, the stupid, bless their hearts, keep us amused.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)”is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.