-6 min readen
Putin Goes To Hollywood.
Is “Succession” explaining Russia's leader better than the media? “ In modern war, you will die like a dog for no good reason .” Ernest Hemingway It’s been another week of Putin intrigue, between orde...
Robert Cormack
Creative Director Robert Cormack & Associates
Toronto - Ontario
Robert Cormack spent 40-years in advertising before writing his first novel "You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can't Make It Scuba Dive). He continues to freelance, while working on two follow-up novels to "Horse" along with four children's books now with the publisher.
299 articles
Topics
Articles by Robert
2023
4 articles
-6 min readen
Why I Have Dust In Strange Places.
And why I feel gritty about the future. “ The veterans have brought their own pennants, bicycles, flashlights and tiki torches, plus enough water for anything .” Larry Harvey I was looking at some pic...
-6 min readen
My Year In Review.
Why I screamed and upset the dog. “ We’ll never get rid of crazy people. ” Michael Moore I wish I could say this past year taught me something, but it was like watching someone steal your hubcaps whil...
-6 min readen
Why We're Misbehavin'
Has the world gone crazy, or are we having daddy issues? “ The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun .” Buckminster Fuller It’s hard to imagine anyone having a clear, civilized thought these...
2022
21 articles
-6 min readen
In 1919, He Only Earned $879.
A year later, he earned 20 times that. “No decent career was ever founded on a public.” F. Scott Fitzgerald It’s hard to imagine the author of “The Great Gatsby” being so poor in 1919, Zelda, his pros...
-7 min readen
Death Is Childish
Or is it us? (It's us). “ I intend to live forever, or die trying .” Groucho Marx I didn’t want to get into this in any meaningful way, except to say I find death childish. Maybe it’s just petulant an...
-5 min readen
How I Intend To Sell Cheap Books With Even Cheaper Messages.
Or just as cheap—I haven't decided yet. “ I don’t know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens .” E.B. White Anyone who knows me knows I’m a pretty cheap guy . If I don’t have to open my wa...
-5 min readen
The Protesters Danced In The Mud.
When you start dispersing crowds with James Blunt songs, it makes you wonder if the world is funny or fucked. “ Give me a shout if this doesn’t work .” James Blunt I’ll be honest, I’ve been in a slump...
-8 min readen
The Truth About Publishing.
It's a dog's life. Even dogs know that. “ If it wasn’t for received ideas, the publishing industry wouldn’t have any ideas at all .” Donald E. Westlake Last week I joined an online writer’s forum figu...
-5 min readen
Making Way For Idiots.
This world is getting very stupid and we might die wondering if this was the plan. “ Life is like a waiting room and our true purpose is dying .” lamsojellyofu Death is pretty much central to everythi...
-4 min readen
Write Less. Think More.
The Clint Eastwood School of Writing. “Hard writing makes easy reading. Easy writing makes hard reading.” William Zinsser (author of “On Writing Well”) The worst advice I’ve ever heard goes to Ernest...
-6 min readen
America's Reading Books Again.
Fuck. “ I thought about reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine .” Spike Milligan I realize there’s a pandemic, and God knows we’re all looking for...
-5 min readen
Construction Boots For Sale. Only Worn Once To A Wedding.
This could (and should) change your writing entirely. “ It’s better to fail at originality than succeed in imitation .” Herman Melville I found this on Facebook’s Buy and Sell the other day. I don’t c...
-7 min readen
Tips On Selling Yourself.
Without selling yourself short. “ We marry, have kids, do our jobs, provide food, education. Job done .” Woman’s comment on Medium Someone wrote asking me about a term I used in one of my posts. “I lo...
-1 min readen
A great literary magazine full of terrific stories, poems and artwork.
This is the latest issue of Rosebud Magazine (#69), marking my twenty-year relationship with publisher extraordinaire, Rod Clark. Twenty years, Rod, without a single disappointment or regret. This is...
-6 min readen
Dealing With Stupid.
“Sayin' ball of confusion, that's what the world is today, hey, hey.” Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong I don’t often wager on stupidity. It doesn’t pay to make money off the tired and disillusioned...
-7 min readen
Is It "Hon" or "Hun"?
In honour of Women's Day, let's see which is more offensive. “ Life is tough, darling, and we’d better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube .” Joan Rivers This is one of my favour...
-7 min readen
What If Putin Wins?
It could be worse than losing. “ We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be .” Kurt Vonnegut In this world of pretenders, Vladimir Putin may rise to be the greatest pret...
-6 min readen
My Own Little Ukraine.
They faced their oppressors with tremendous bravery and chirps. “ A leader who doesn’t hesitate before he sends his nation into battle is not a fit leader .” Gold Meir Yesterday morning, I bore witnes...
-6 min readen
What's The Rush?
Writing blogs isn't a first-to-the-finish game. “ The profession of writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business. ” John Steinbeck It’s funny how articles on Medium are reading like a...
-6 min readen
Just How Distracted Are We?
We remember the Chubby Chicken deal at A&W but forget to take our warfarin. “ Any distraction tends to get in the way of being a good gangster .” Terence Winter We’re all preoccupied and distracted th...
-5 min readen
A Historical Look At Our Silliness.
From Ancient Rome to today's ‘rona, we’re the silliest species going. “ I was taught that the human brain was the crowning glory of evolution so far, but I think it’s a very poor scheme for survival ....
-6 min readen
How Easy Is It To Offend People These Says?
Something tells me I already have. “ I tell you, we are here on this Earth to fart around, and don’t let anyone tell you different .” Kurt Vonnegut A young woman went on social media last year with a...
-6 min readen
Overcoming Your Insecurities.
Hint: Let go of the rock “ Insecurity is a waste of time .” Diane von Furstenberg Alan Watts, philosopher and theologian, asked his audience one time to imagine falling off a cliff while holding a lar...
-7 min readen
My Greatest Writing Tip
All it takes is a little thievery and no conscience whatsoever. “ I didn’t really steal it. I borrowed it for all eternity .” Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Earth I want to admit something personal, something...
2021
36 articles
-9 min readen
Tamarin and Kookaburra.
A love story by Robert Cormack Courtesy of Pixabay “ Love is the ultimate expression of the will to live .” Tom Wolfe They shared a small office, him facing one way, her another. Nobody knew why they...
-6 min readen
Do Your Words Taste Good?
You'd have to be a synesthete to know (which most of us aren't). “ Bad taste creates more millionaires than good taste .” Charles Bukowski Did you know some people can taste words? I say “some” becaus...
-7 min readen
The New Normal.
Is it going to make sense if we're all barking mad? “ You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline .” Frank Zappa As the world deals with pandemics, hurricanes, floods, riots and...
-10 min readen
The Visitor.
A short story by Robert Cormack. “ Acting isn’t important in the scheme of things. Plumbing is .” Spencer Tracy My wife wants to know about my grandfather, a printer by trade, then a Shakespearean act...
-7 min readen
Heads Up, America.
Some crazy historical facts about pandemics you should read before visiting your babies this Thanksgiving. “ This is one time when I need to be hermetically sealed .” Howie Mandel Historically, we’ve...
-8 min readen
How To Avoid Going To Hell.
Have you ever thought of having a surrogate you? “ If I’m going to hell, I’m going there playing the piano .” Jerry Lee Lewis On the off chance I’m not going to Heaven, I’ve made other arrangements. I...
-7 min readen
Thank You, Covid.
How a virus showed us the worst in ourselves. “ I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it .” Edith Sitwell Frankly, I think we’ve spent too much time on the dangers of the cor...
-8 min readen
Why I Hate Fast Food Journalism.
And why I'm worried about Medium. “ Writing is an act of ego, and you might as well admit it .” William Zinsser Someone was saying the other day that Medium is doomed. In some respects, it was always...
-13 min readen
Merry Sieg Heil Christmas.
She came bearing gifts, mostly stolen, but so what? She's an orphan—we both are. “ A summary of Jewish holidays : They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat .” Alan King I’ll tell you what set me off —...
-6 min readen
Mixing Acronyms.
“ What kind of fuckery is this ?” Amy Winehouse I’ve never been good with acronyms. For the longest time, I wondered why everyone kept ending their texts with LOL. I thought it was a form of goodbye,...
-7 min readen
Writing Tips You Won't Get Anywhere Else.
Mostly because they're rude, insensitive and probably right. “ People think I must be a strange person. That is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It’s in a jar on my desk.” Stephen King Le...
-10 min readen
The Catchers.
Once you're crazy, you know you've made it. “ In an assembly line, the smaller the pieces of work assigned to any single individual, the less skill it requires, and the less likely the possibility tha...
-6 min readen
Why Are Monkeys Still Here?
And why are we peeing RoundUp? “ If we evolved from monkeys, why are they still here?” Stephen Baldwin There’s little we can do for Stephen Baldwin now. Once an actor starts questioning Darwinism, it’...
-7 min readen
How Did Johnny Make His Songs Ring True?
Hint: Guts. Second hint: Still guts. “ Go home and sin and come back with a song I can sell.” Sam Phillips “You’ve got a song you’re singing from your gut,” Johnny Cash once said, “and you want that a...
-7 min readen
If You Have To Lie, Don't Advertise
“ What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away .” Tom Waits Tom Waits hates liars and I do, too. He sued Frito-Lay for using a voice in a commercial that sounded an awful lot like him, not...
-11 min readen
Do You Like Sea Snakes?
A story of bad vacations by Robert Cormack. “ I hate vacations. There’s nothing to do .” David Mamet This happened at a resort, south of Saint Marc in Haiti, two months after Baby Doc Duvalier left th...
-10 min readen
Cat In A Cage
A story of boxers and strippers. “ I don’t miss boxing .” Sugar Ray Leonard Manz Farino won a fifteen round decision against Larry Krill in ’73, a big win that nearly cost Manz his left eye. He hung u...
-8 min readen
The Feast of Fools.
Every pandemic has had its detractors—some sillier than others. “ Tell all the people, we’ll be free, follow me down.” Robby Krieger, The Doors, Soft Parade They were called The Feast of Fools, a grou...
-7 min readen
We're Lost.
In the future, we'll be known as The Lost Generation 2.0 “It started as a virus and mutated into an IQ test.” Noni Moss. We let this pandemic happen to us. It wasn’t just the anti-vaxxers, the anti-ma...
-6 min readen
Why I'm Unpopular On Medium.
Now you clap? “ To his dog, every man is Napoleon .” Aldous Huxley There’s an old joke that goes like this: A hooker meets up with her pimp and hands over her night’s earnings. The total is one hundre...
-7 min readen
Writing Made Simple (According to Charlie Chaplin)
Start by avoiding elephants. “ In the end, everything is a gag. ” Charlie Chaplin Charlie Chaplin once told a reviewer that words were cheap. “The biggest thing you can say is ‘elephant’,” he explaine...
-15 min readen
The Affair.
Sometimes a snowstorm can make all the difference. “ If we listened to our intellect, we’d never have a love affair .” Ray Bradbury Every Friday afternoon, Ross would leave his apartment key under a f...
-8 min readen
Wash Like An Egyptian.
Why I get lyrics horribly wrong. “ I want to be on the Billboard Hot 100 with a single that has Korean lyrics .” Suga I guess it all started (or became a serious problem) with John Lennon’s “I Dig a P...
-7 min readen
Quitting Stupid.
How to quit a job without feeling the slightest bit guilty or violated. “ I have no problem quitting things, because I have a horror of boredom .” Laura van den Berg I’ve always known when to leave a...
-5 min readen
I Just Lost 2,000 Followers To Covid.
“ I’m as unpopular as an electric eel in a pool of catfish .” Edith Sitwell Something truly unsettling has occurred, something I hold up as evidence we’re not out of the pandemic woods yet. Earlier th...
-11 min readen
The Brother They Couldn't Keep.
“ Harmony is the ultimate brotherly love .” Phil Everly Johnny had to take his brother out to the highway again, the same ritual he hated every year since he took over the marina. It had to be done, a...
-9 min readen
Thanks For Not Being Tragic
A short story by Robert Cormack. “ We’re never so defenseless against suffering as when we’re in love .” Sigmund Freud They were the Thompsons, and everybody knew them, and when Charlie Goose, one of...
-8 min readen
Why Men Drink.
Hint: Women. “ Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.” Johnny Carson Women are a curious bunch. I’d like to say clever on one hand, devious on the othe...
-7 min readen
Why We Hate Your Commercials.
And our dogs do, too. “ Tell them, tell them what you told them, tell them again .” Winston Churchill I hate this quote. I wonder if Churchill even said it. He probably read it on a washroom wall at W...
-7 min readen
Why Marketers Won't Get Storytelling.
Most still think "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" was a pretty romantic movie. “ Writing a song is like holding a bird and not killing it. Sometimes you end up with a mouthful of feathers .” Tom Waits...
-7 min readen
Are You Blowing Your Hugs?
How to enjoy hugging without smushing your tits or feeling infantilized. “ I love bear hugs — but not the bear .” MineOhMine I’m no expert on hugging, other than I had a rich aunt who squeezed me like...
-8 min readen
Violence and Degradation In The Heart of Texas
Even ex presidents aren't safe down there. “ Good thing we’ve still got politics in Texas—the finest form of free entertainment ever invented .” Molly Ivins It’s a disturbing sign of the times when an...
-7 min readen
The Leaking American Dream
Notes on the pandemic, lockdowns and baby carriages. “ Freedom is something that dies unless it’s used .” Hunter S. Thompson As we go back into lockdown (not a prediction, bubba, we’re going whether w...
-6 min readen
"I Can No Longer Feel God."
Testimony from a spooky vaccine recipient. “ In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this .” Terry Pratchett When Facebook said they’d use AI to weed out spooky comment...
-8 min readen
How to Deal With Dumbasses.
Especially pandemic dumbasses. “ There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life ,” Frank Zappa Let’s look at this pandemic from a strictly layman’s point of view...
-10 min readen
The Climax of Foolishness.
“ Increasingly, people are willing to say and believe stuff that fits in with their view of how the world should be, even if it doesn’t have any basis in reality or fact .” Chris Jackson, pollster wit...
2020
28 articles
-8 min readen
Why Didn't They Just Fix The Stupid Boat?
Is Gilligan's Island a metaphor of America “ If he fixed the boat, he’d never get a shot at Ginger .” Reddit TXJKU Since I’m sitting here, all pandemic-ed out, eating Twizzlers, I have a question of i...
-8 min readen
Crazy Facts About Pandemics.
Starting with giant gerbils. “ Drag queens are extremely innovative and, I mean, we will persist through plague, famine, war or pandemic. We will prevail .” Alaska Historically, we’ve done some pretty...
-8 min readen
Why Nutty Relationships Work.
Are we just crazy for crazy? “ I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? ” Zsa Zsa Gabor “My boyfriend gives our dogs their own voices,” one woman wrote on R...
-7 min readen
Why Women Call Each Other Gorgeous (Too Much).
Bitches love compliments? Lies are fun? What? “ I attribute my youthful looks to processed foods and preservatives .” Joan Rivers Why is it every time a woman posts a picture of herself, other women f...
-7 min readen
"Can We Hold Off Until After The Pig Races?"
America in summary: The country you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. “ The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it .”...
-7 min readen
Why We Needed Trump.
The sad truth about politics and people in America. “ Beware of false prophets, which comes to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they’re ravening wolves .” Mathew 7:15 Donald Trump isn’t worried a...
-10 min readen
The Mountains Grew.
How the president lost an election. “ When my John Kerry prediction didn’t pan out in 2004, I smashed an egg on my face. ” James Carville Nobody considered them mountains at first, more like abstract...
-13 min readen
This Could Blow Over.
A short story about fathers and shame. “ When you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years .” Ernest Hemingway The two men were standing by the schoolyard fence, waiting for the police to...
-7 min readen
Having A Cold During The Pandemic.
It ain't easy. As anyone will tell you, colds aren’t allowed during pandemics. It’s like having acne during a smallpox outbreak. One innocent cough or sneeze can cause a stampede. I don’t mean just an...
-14 min readen
Where Bon-Bons Play.
A short story by Robert Cormack. Something arrived in the mail a few weeks ago. I thought it was a birthday card from my father—but it was worse. He sent a listing from the Georgian Triangle Real Esta...
-10 min readen
Ivan and June.
A short story about advertising (sort of). I once worked with a former mercenary. His name was Ivan and he still wore camouflage pants, Wellco boots, and a field jacket with a bullet hole. He said he...
-7 min readen
Let It Bleed.
Writers who bleed all the time don't need sympathy, they need Band-Aids. “ Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke .” Steve Martin The worst piece of advice on writing goes t...
-7 min readen
The Pandemic Tug-Of-War.
When the going gets weird, the weird find a beach. “I’m immune deficient, but I take supplements.” Spring Breaker in Miami Beaches seem to be the last refuge of silly people, or people who don’t know...
-13 min readen
Knitting For Love And Murder.
A short story with a certain amount of knitting. “ Be bold; there are no terrible consequences in knitting .” Stephanie Pearl-McPhee Missy and Roland were knitting. She liked knitting, he didn’t. She...
-8 min readen
Happiness Is Boring
The un-glamorized truth about our otherwise cheery lives. “ I have been to The Land of Happy — what a bore .” Shel Silverstein In Silverstein’s “The Land of Happy” everyone’s merry. They joke, they si...
-7 min readen
Are You A Word Zombie?
How to get humanness back in your writing (like right away). “ Make them think you’re one of them.” Johnny Cash Okay, I know this is a weird way to start something on writing, but Johnny Cash knew a t...
-7 min readen
Is Reading For Chumps?
Or do we just prefer to hear our own voices? “ Everybody’s talking at once in a hypnotic, hyper din: the cocktail party from hell .” Maureen Dowd “Reading is 4 chumps, brotha,” Mew16 wrote on Reddit,...
-7 min readen
The Soul-Sucking Reality of Posting Every Day.
And why you should proceed with soul-sucking abandon. “No surprise in the writer. No surprise in the reader.” Robert Frost There’s an article in Writers Guild called “Is Publishing an Article Every Da...
-7 min readen
The Psychology of Dog-Hugging.
The big furry difference between conditional and unconditional love. “When a dog gets a bone, he doesn’t go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he’s got ,” Will Rogers I’ve...
-7 min readen
Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.
Besides, there's less to clean up afterwards. “ Just purse your lips and whistle — that’s the thing!” Eric Idle, Monty Python When Eric Idle first presented “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” to...
-6 min readen
Thank God Those Crazy-Assed, Star Struck, Bugger-Brained Super Bowl Ads Are Over.
Not you, Jason Momoa, you did okay. “ Our job is to bring the dead facts to life. ” Bill Bernbach Bill Bernbach never said bugger-brained. I threw it in here because he’s probably rolling over in his...
-7 min readen
Are The Stupid Getting Stupider?
Or is crying over one-legged geese and reporting fake IDs pretty normal? “ Earnestness is stupidity sent to college .” P.J. O’Rourke This isn’t a rant so much as a slightly biased observation. I say s...
-6 min readen
9 Ways To Give Moobs The Attention (And Love) They Deserve.
“She’d never before seen moobs so active and bouncy.” Nicky Elson, Vibrizzo Maybe men are too shy — or embarrassed — to say this, but you’re missing one of our most erogenous zones. They may not look...
-7 min readen
The Genius of Ricky Gervais.
Prepare to be uncomfortable. “ Proper stupidity is fascinating .” Ricky Gervais If there wasn’t Ricky Gervais, we’d have to invent him. I know that sounds rather lofty, but we’ve said it enough times...
-8 min readen
5 Incredibly Self-Serving Ways To Stay Beautiful.
“ It was my delusion and naivety that brought me here. ” Lady Gaga I’m sixty-five years old and I don’t look a day over forty. My secret is lying. This is the first rule of keeping your beauty. When I...
-8 min readen
Do Your Words Taste Good?
A gourmand's guide (sort of). “ Bad taste creates more millionaires than good taste .” Charles Bukowski This is going to sound weird, but some humans can taste words. I say “some” because I’m not one...
-7 min readen
I've Just Lost A Ton of Viewers On Medium.
Have I upset the algorithm gods? “ I blame everything on feminism — or commies. ” P.J. O’Rourke A month ago my daily viewership was pretty high — not exceptionally high — but certainly high for someon...
-7 min readen
Writing For Love.
Slipping a nip and other ways we claw for attention. “ It would be my guess that Madonna is not a very happy woman .” David Bowie I have a problem with writers — me included. First of all, we’re all l...
2019
11 articles
-7 min readen
Why I've Started Writing Naked.
And other ways to scare house pets. “Only when the tide goes out do you discover who’s been swimming naked.” Warren Buffett I never thought much about writing naked before, although sometimes I’ll sta...
-7 min readen
All I Want For Christmas Is My Thumb.
The weird and wacky story of the "thoe." “Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn’t come from a store.” Dr. Seuss Yeah, okay, it’s Christmas, so what, right? Where’s the tinkle in the tinsel, and g...
-8 min readen
Donald Trump Vs. Smudge the Cat.
The end of "Salad Days" and "Vaginas for Trump" panties. “ Cats are like having children, only there’s no tuition involved .” Ronald Regan There’s a popular cat meme that’s been around for a while. Th...
-8 min readen
A Questionable Guide to Silly Writing.
Like, why aren't there any cannibal cookbooks. “If you don’t know where you are, any road with get you there.” Lewis Carroll I always thought Lewis Carroll was silly, until an English professor told m...
-8 min readen
A Worry-Wart's Guide To Worry.
And why it's stupid. “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” Steven Wright First of all, I’m no expert on worry. I do it a lot. For all I know, I may be doing it wrong, but I am guilty of “...
-7 min readen
The Rise of Nymphobrainiacs.
Glasses on or off? “For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words.” Isabel Allende A woman wrote me a while ago, saying I didn’t know diddly about g-spots. She claimed my article “The Inconvenient Male G...
-7 min readen
Is Trump's Racism Making People Fat?
Trump blames cheeseburgers. “A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.” Elbert Hubbard He may be a monster in some people’s eyes, but he’s no racist. “I’m the least raci...
-6 min readen
I Need A Surrogate Sufferer.
Or at least someone to guide me through the drugstore. “No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.” Kin Hubbard Cold season os upon us and, like any sane person dealing with this, I’...
-8 min readen
How We Goof Our Writing.
Silly ways we end up serving our grandparents for dinner. “ Writing’s been easy so far .” Charles Bukowski Students at Pratt High School in Kansas got a lesson in hyphens the other week, courtesy of G...
-8 min readen
How to Be Hilarious.
Even if you're not. “It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s hilarious.” Bill Hicks At a corporate event a few years back, I witnessed a bad speech. The speaker was a ham. Here’s the diff...
-7 min readen
Are We Being Cruel To Our Prefrontal Cortexes?
There's a difference between being informed and being Jello. “ There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.” Frank Zappa We’re all preoccupied and distracted...