Have Screwdriver, Will Kill.

It’s time manufacturers paid for their lousy assembly instructions.

“I have no tolerance for instructions,”  Sean Penn

“Anyone who can’t assemble Ikea products shouldn’t be allowed to drive or own sharp objects,” someone wrote on reddit. Another person felt we shouldn’t even be allowed to live. Stephen Fry did a hilarious skit about assembling something. Supposedly, he shouldn’t be allowed to live, either.

Assembly wizards are a pretty extreme bunch. That’s until they make some admissions of their own. Like the guy who said. “I actually like putting Ikea stuff together, but a Barbie Doll House kicked my butt.” Someone else confessed that the charcoal barbecue he assembled looks like abstract art.

I tried putting together a ceiling fan once. It took over five hours. None of the screws fit, something I didn’t realize until I was attaching the blades (which the instructions said I could do after the mount was installed to the ceiling).

Well, they lied. I dropped a total of twenty-seven screws and an equal number of washers. On the positive side, going up and down the ladder made my calves look like Serena Williams’ calves. I’m pretty proud of my legs now. In fact, I bought four more ceiling fans strictly for the exercise.

Ikea, for instance, hasn’t done a thing for my legs, which suggests their user guides at least make sense.

That’s not to say I’m still not concerned — if not miffed — at lousy instructions, especially ones that don’t turn my calves into Serena Williams’ calves.

Ikea, for instance, hasn’t done a thing for my legs, which suggests their user guides at least make sense. That still leaves thousands of others, some of which — like Barbie’s Doll House — have turned assembly wizards into idiots like the rest of us.

Take this answering machine instruction: “Press button at top. Light will flash and you can record your message. If message doesn’t record, press button until it does. If this fails, press all buttons.”

No wonder Neil Young wrote his song “Piece of Crap.” I’d probably still be pushing buttons if it wasn’t for him. I now answer the phone sounding like Neil Young.

In China, low margins have forced manufacturers to stop using translators altogether.

So why are user manuals so bad? Why did they top the list of “technological things that have the ability to confuse you?” in a USA Today poll? Are foreign manufacturers mad at us for some reason? Or are they must bad explainers?

It turns out we’re not dealing so much with lousy instructions as lousy economics. In China, low margins have forced manufacturers to stop using translators altogether. “They’re done by a computer,” Keith Harvey explained, “leaving us flooded with indecipherable manuals. A very frustrating if not highly unsafe situation.”

By unsafe, no doubt he means me threatening manufacturers with a screwdriver. The only reason I have a screwdriver is because the screwdriver that came with my last dresser wouldn’t fit in the hand of a tamarin monkey.

If economics is really the problem, forget the tiny screwdriver. Pay someone to at least read the instructions. They don’t even have to edit them. Just stamp at the top with something that says, “This won’t make any sense, but at least you’re not getting a tiny screwdriver.”

We’re paying to believe we’re morons.

It’s almost as stupid as a label on a battery saying, “Not to be taken internally.” Who takes batteries internally — even triple AAAs?

I’m sure this doesn’t bother assembly wizards, since they don’t need instructions, but what about the rest of us? We’re paying to believe we’re morons. Shouldn’t the government do something about this? They protect us from dirty words and racially suggestive lyrics. Couldn’t they at least add something to that battery label, like, “Okay, of course you’re not going to take this internally. We’ve tried this already and it’s ridiculous.”

One company sent out a set of guidelines to manufacturers which included, “Make sure the writer actually uses the product while they write.” I spent years writing prescription instructions for the pharmaceutical industry — including Dilaudid. If I’d used the product, your dosage advice would read something like, “Green men spank monkey. Monkey spank green men back.”

Imagine writing one of those universal remote guides that includes every television on the planet. By the time you reach Sony, you’re writing “Green men stick monkey in green slot. Watch for blinking light. Monkey stick green men in green slot. Laughs a lot.”

How many charcoal barbeques have to become abstract art on someone’s lawns? How soon before a universal remote brings down an airplane?

All joking aside, though, governments, regulatory agencies — someone — has to set manufacturers straight. We’ve been too lax, too accepting that perhaps we aremorons. How many charcoal barbeques have to become abstract art on someone’s lawn? How soon before a universal remote brings down an airplane?

We can’t expect Neil Young to be the only voice of reason. Governments need to act. Perhaps we need a bill laying out what will happen if manufacturers keep creating useless lawn art, or dropping airplanes out of the sky.

Or maybe we just stop buying these products. Neil Young did. He hasn’t bought an answering machine since, and he seems to be doing okay.

Sure, it’ll sound like nonsense. We’re a product of our user guides. Of course, it’s nonsense.

As for the rest of us, maybe we have to take up our screwdrivers and show some solidarity. We’ll march on the government with placards reading, “No more gibberish. No more green men!” Sure, it’ll sound like nonsense. We’re a product of our user guides. Of course, it’s nonsense.

At least we’re armed. A screwdriver can be a dangerous thing. Especially in the hands of someone who’s tried putting Barbie’s Doll House together. Like me, they’re ready to kill anyone who moves—including Barbie.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)”is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishingor Skyhorse Pressfor more details.

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